Sunday, 22 November 2015

View From The WIndow

Back in the saddle, the weather has settled down it is a lovely crisp autumn morning out there, cold, sharp and dry and looks like staying that way, but what do I or the weather forecasters know about that. A 'watery' sun outlines the far ridges so I cannot see much detail and not a soul stirs.

We had a horrendous week last week with almost monsoon like rain in amongst the normal rain, compounded by high winds, I had roofers fixing leaks during the odd gap, the front of the shop leaked, the back of the shop leaked and the living room was sweating water due to the plastering. I also just managed to prevent the living room leaking as I found a drain blocked and water lapping at the door. I stood in the dark getting soaked with my arm plunged into said drain scooping like mad. I continued with this as the water began to drain away until I spied something moving in the murk, it was a frog in the drain, the job now called for a long stick and not my arm, it looked like one of those man-eating, poisonous, vampire frogs, it was huge. Anyway I survived, the living room was saved and Dracufrog hopped away to find another victim.

Talking of biting, my grandson was bitten at his nursery and had teeth marks on his arm the kind forensics experts like, the ones where you can almost tell what the biter had for lunch if you look long enough. The same thing happened a few days later, and of course his mother went along to find out what was going on, the modern way is that you are not told who bit your son, the biter is not punished nor are his parents warned that if the biting continues will he be expelled for the safety of the other children. What transpires is that you have to think of taking your son out of the nursery, finding somewhere else, changing your morning routine, possibly your job while the perpetrator gets off scot free to continue biting.

The kid is lucky I don't live closer, to hell with counselling it's a smack on the wrist or backside at that age, a stern warning and problem solved, go in the corner and don't come out until you are quiet. In the distant past I have stood waiting for bullies, I have confronted them on the street, I have threatened extreme violence and I have offered them the first swing so I could legally thump them while using the self defence argument. Can I just offer in my defence if you think I am crazy I have never actually thumped anyone to date and I am obviously a different man these days, my efforts to keep my sons protected sometimes bit me in the backside, but hey I'm a dad.

I did turn once in the navy, a guy who was much stockier than me and a bit of an 'in your face' character took a dislike to me, back then I was almost a size 0, and began to pick on me, this lasted several weeks and in the confines of a messdeck it seemed worse. I was cleaning the mess one morning, mopping the floor as it was my turn, he was sitting in the corner giving me abuse, then for some reason he threw an ashtray my way, I hurled it back, he got up with the obvious intention of rearranging my face. In that instant I thought no, not this time, you're for it matey, I garnered all my seven stone drew back my arm and stepped up to the mark, only to put my foot in the bucket of water! At this point as I stumbled about stuck in the bucket Dave Cooper, a big lad, threw himself across the mess and planked one on my tormentor, he went down. I was never bothered again after that, good old Dave and his sense of justice.

Justice? I don't believe in it, I see some magazine has awarded the transgender reality star Bruce Jenner, now there's a job the world could do without, the title of 'Woman of the Year', the husband of a previous award winner, a policewoman who died in the Twin Towers, sent her award back with a very poignant letter to the magazine. Well done that man.

I have dropped myself in it with my old pub friend and I have offered to go to a football match with him as long as he buys the pie and Bovril at half time, although possibly these days I am off the mark and it might be Venison croutons and Lobster bisque. I have only ever been to one other football match and it was Hibernian vs Hadjek Split and I could not get out of it, in fact I went with the Dave Cooper mentioned above. It was possibly the most boring 90 minutes of my life so far, so this could be my second and last ever football match. "Come on you Shrimps".

That covers almost everything but the horrendous events in Paris, unlike the politicians words fail me.

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