View from the Window: Vienna

 My trip to Imperial Vienna is over, a week of palaces, galleries and museums, my last holiday was a weekend away with my son in Sicily a couple of years ago and before that Vietnam in 2019. 

I am probably wrong but I seem to remember a time when you turned up with only your passport and off you went. This time we booked with Jet2, then we had to pay to sit together, then we had to pay for the airport transport, and also the airport transfer to the hotel, ching, ching. Then there was the hours of YouTube videos of what to do and not to do in Vienna, where to eat, how to avoid a diplomatic incident, always stand to the right of the elevator or be huffed at. After this there was all the Apps to help you, the translator, the city guide, the local transport guide, the Flexi Pass or the Vienna Pass. At the end of the week I realised all I really needed was a guide book and my passport. I will be prepared next time.

WWII flak towers in the distance, there are six.

State Opera House.

An art museum.

 

Army Museum.

Another museum, once a little pad in the city.

 

St. Stephans, magnificent.

Why is there always a rush at the departure gate, the plane will not take off until everyone is onboard, then you are asked that rows 11 to 25 are to board, you have waited patiently and once on you find rows 2, 5 and 6 are full, these are the same people who stand up and block the aisle as soon as the seat belt sign is off, or before that when the plane still has a mile to go to get to the terminal. Next in line for the firing squad are the people who refuse the polite "turn off all electrical devices", one near me sat through two and a half hours of Rinaldo's (kicks a leather ball around) wife having a great time pretending to be important. Don't get me wrong, Jet2 didn't bother me and I didn't bother them, seamless, it's people.

The hotel was in a perfect location and the staff were wonderful, nothing was any bother. It was a ten minute walk to the heart of the city which apart from two days of rain was very pleasant. Vienna has very wide streets and part of the pavement is allocated to bikes, escooters and mopeds, although clearly marked you have to keep your wits about you, especially for the daredevils texting while careening along. This also applies to the many important people unable to get out of your way due to answering some obviously important text which cannot wait until they are safely stopped or watching who they are going to bump into. I learned after a day or so just to keep my head down and plough forward, "sorry mate, I saw you but you didn't see me!"

We saw a lot during our stay and were suffering from cultural PTSD by the time we left, I enjoyed the Hofburg complex and the Museum of Military History although I missed out on the WWII exhibition in the latter as it was closed for refurbishment, they also do not show off their tank collection until a Sunday morning, we were there on the Tuesday. The Spanish Riding school was a bit of a disappointment and it would have been better to have booked a show rather than watch a training exercise. Our visit to the Schonbrunn Palace was our bitterest disappointment as it was raining, the gardens were past their best and even the animals in the zoo looked cheesed off, added to this was the fact our Vienna Pass only allowed us to see 5 of the 47 rooms open to the public, the Memsahib was not pleased and vented her fury to no avail at the Vienna Pass office later on.

 Her trip on the Danube also hit a rock as the voyage only lasted an hour and fifteen minutes during which you basically saw nothing of interest, we did not have time to spare for a three hour boat ride, but we have sailed on the Danube, nuff said.

A ship of the once mighty Austrian navy.

The raised conning tower of a U-Boot.

This piece moved along the dinner table with the little men playing music!

The Imperial Armoury.

Franz Ferdinand was shot in this car.

We are not keen on Weiner Schnitzel, and Vienna has a lot of Schnitzel, most of the restaurants have pretty much the same menu, so we ended up with Vietnamese (twice, superb), Chinese (don't ask), Japanese and Turkish. We did go to a few local restaurants and Goulash stew and Goulash soup are now firm favourites of mine, in fact I might make the latter this weekend. My favourite which I sadly only managed once during our busy schedule was Kaiserschmarrn, a sweet, shredded pancake served with plum sauce or cream, magnifico. On our last day we stood in a queue waiting about twenty minutes to get a seat in the famous Cafe Central for coffee and applestrudel, we were in good company as past visitors included Hitler, Stalin, Trotsky, Freud and Tito among others, no doubt there were a few famous nice people as well. Although I am not keen on the tipping culture I do respect that the waiters are adult, professional, helpful and friendly, not Kevin in sixth form asking if you want to 'go large' with your Kaiserschmarrn. It was also nice to be served alcohol free beer in large bottles which I would defy anyone to tell the difference from the stuff that has you falling over, yes I too was a denier years ago and I do miss that warm, comfortable glow but it's better than a Coke Zero.

Viennese coffee is the best.

Art on a plate.

Smiling? Must be photoshopped.

The Boss.

We just happened to turn up at the moment the newly ousted leader was making his way across the road to meet his successor. During our travels I got to listen to two young people from the opposite ends of the spectrum politically about the situation in Austria, just for a few minutes, I won't say who got my sympathies. We were also one evening on the fringes of a very large protest with music, banners and flares, the point being that many of the Austrian population had not voted for the views held by the protestors, democracy eh?

Anyway, we are back and our week seems to have flown past, the LMF took the main hit for the holiday and the boardroom are not happy, but what the hell, we enjoyed ourselves.

View From The Window: Special Edition

 "Let's go to Lancaster" says the missus as our house is again home to the builders, cue the rain. We can stop by Bathroom Supplies for a toilet roll holder, towel and soap holders, fairy snuff says I as I only have some details to put my latest, large, map project to bed. Enters what seems to be an empty shop, ten minutes later we form a search party for the owners and set off. Having at last succeeded in tracking someone down we swiftly wished we hadn't as the price for the three everyday items came to around £200. We left sharpish.

We decided on lunch before some shopping, we normally go to a basic but excellent chinese restaurant, it must be because all the Chinese students eat there, but instead walked a bit further to 'German Doner Kebab' as we had been intrigued by the name. I looked at the professionaly taken photographs of what was on order and chose the Doner Quesadilla, the missus had a Doner burger, yep, seems you can put anything between a roll. My meal turned up minus the lovely looking pot of salsa on the photograph, I made my way to the counter, you forgot my salsa says I, there is no salsa with the Quesadilla she says, yes there is, there it is on the photograph, no, that's just a photograph she insists, yes but one with a pot of salsa on it. Does the Doner Burger come without the burger because it is just a photograph I enquire but watch my caustic remark fly over her head and disappear behind the drinks machine. I rarely complain about food, I leave that to my sons and my wife, but this time I am going all the way to Glasgow, yes, that's where the head offices of 'German Doner Kebab' are!

What I got.

What was promised.

Then as we walked back to the city centre I ran the gauntlet of morons texting while expecting oncoming normal people to move aside, the sheer amount of these creatures leaves me without words, well I actually do have words but this is before 9 pm. I also do not move from my intended path.

Things were not improving, the wife bought one item in a store where only one of the six tills had a server at it, and who would be there at this till but a Gen Z'r texting while the assistant passed a large family's clothing allowance for the year through the zapper while her mother ran to and fro collecting even more clothing. I tried to get the missus to leave the growing queue on the basis they didn't really want money or there would be more people.

Coffee and a cake then home the Memsahib promised. We found a table, hunkered down and I waited to be served hand and foot while she went to get the drinks and eats, wait, on the opposite table sat a guy with a glass of water taking up a table of four seats piggy backing on the cafe's wifi while doing god knows what on his laptop for free. This annoyed me, I tried to appear interested in what the wife was saying but my eyes kept straying to the free loader next door, hoping someone would force him to buy something or move. That doesn't happen these days, I do remember when I had the paper shop and someone would blatently pick up a newspaper and leaf through it, I would quietly sneak up and whisper, this is not a library!

At last we headed home, I felt the urge for some beers, just bog standard British beer with an alcoholic kick as a change from zero as it might put a smile on my face, but mainly to sit and sup with some Walkers square crisps, cheese and onion while catching up on the latest episode of Shogun. The supermarket had every beer or lager from Paris to the Urals but no bog standard booze, the only square crisps they had were salt and vinegar, so back to zero alcohol for me. Then I tried to pay for it, the 'fast' checkout had a queue of 10 patiently and not so patiently waiting for the new assistant to speed up while, yes, only one of the six tills had someone in attendance.

A poll this afternoon in Lancaster.

So endeth the day.

View from a small window...

 I have not done one of these for a long, long time as I had used up all my white flags on the vagaries of modern life but this past week and today I have had it.

Someone I know booked a gardener (it turns out he only slept with one) to clean up the back yard, "give me a week" says Wurzel Gummidge, the week consisted of turning up at 10am and leaving at 3pm with lunch and breaks included. It also consisted of his van breaking down, being unable to hire a skip anywhere north of the Watford Gap, not catching Covid but got to be sure, then taking his imbecilic helper to hospital for a self inflicted wound. Needless to say the garden remains to be turned into something usable.

 

 With my house being built in 1699 it has problems, there has been a bit of damp in one corner of the living room since William III was on the throne, the house has a lot of problems like this that you just have to live with. However the leak got worse and we noticed water in a cupboard, it was coming from the toilet so had to be sorted. Dyno Rod, through British Gas, promised action in a week, cue the Membsahib and they turned up the next day, they dutifully found the cracked pipe, fixed it and cleared off leaving us with two new leaks and the neighbours drain devoid of its concrete surround. We were ignored today until the missus let loose her contempt and anger once again so expect our second visit in an hour or so, the wonder of being able to take photographs before and after jobs leaves these people with nowhere to hide, A third visit is also now in the offing for the nearby drain. Why couldn't they just do the job right the first time, I am sure that is what I pay the fee for or did I miss that bit.

 

I get an annual scan of my gallbladder to check on some polyps which are in there, I had to fight for it last year due to the plague and this year I phoned up to get a jump on things. I had to wait a day as the surgery was having a staff training day, I found this absurd as they have done almost nothing nor seen anyone apart from on the end of a phone for the past fifteen months. Anyway, once I had listened to the five minute dirge on how terrible things are and did I really need to bother them, I wiped my tears away and asked to be referred for the scan. I then got a letter telling me to report to Lancaster General at such and such a date/time but no info, also it was for the General Surgery department, not the scan people.

 

I phoned up and the woman explained it was to take out my gall stones! I don't have gall stones I informed Tracy, I need a scan, they know what they are doing says Tracy and wants to know if I want to cancel the appointment. Oh No, and wait another year, no thanks, we will see what is going on and they are not getting a knife near me. I now await a call back next week for the original doctor sitting at home in his comfy chair to explain what he actually asked for. Oh, and the Westmorland General sent out a nice letter delaying all Outpatient appointments for six months, I still await an answer as to why this should be.

And after Freedom Day was consigned to history I wrote to my MP to tell him he can sing for my vote in the future, it would seem from the silence he doesn't care. Fifty years of democracy and I have only ever got what I voted for twice, and one of them turned out to be wrong.

View From The Window

 The Legendary Map Fortune has taken some severe hits this week, I have been informed that £1,800 has been stolen from the account by hackers in bundles of £600 a time, I am at my wits end, I don't know where to turn. No, wait, just the usual criminal masterminds with the funny accent hoping to find someone daft enough to believe them, not today Raj. Raj's telecoms department was also busy and threatened that if I did not act immediately they would have to cut off my broadband, although I had turned to jelly I found enough backbone to tell Raj's mate to go ahead and cut me off, guess what, I'm still here. I was discussing this disgusting behaviour with one of my few customers yesterday and I have just served an old gentleman this morning who did fall for Raj or Malik's dishonesty and he has had his bank accounts emptied, he seems to think things will be fine after talking to his bank but I am not so sure as he is sending letters out, today your savings can disappear in nanoseconds, but I do hope he gets his money back.

And while on the subject of Banks, back in 2005 the Government lied, yes lied to people, pensioners in particular that they would always be able to get their pensions/benefits at a local Post Office, how did that promise turn out, well I have now got about half a dozen people on the government card account which is closing in 2021. Access your bank at the PO says the government, well that is fine but Barclays has now decided that I can continue to do their work for them, deposits and balances but I cannot from 2020 give their money out, no I don't get it either. There must be some penny pinching idea behind it and it will only be a matter of time before our other 'people come first' banks follow on.

I had a problem with NowTV the other night and after putting up with it and promising to do something I eventually did, but wait, you cannot simply phone them up, nor can you email. So out came the iPad, I hit the support site, it asked me to ask the 'community' or look at the FAQ, if I still had a problem I could hit the chat button to 'speak' to an operator. I didn't have the patience nor twelve hours to spare so I hit the chat button......... ask the community or look at the FAQ. After going around in circles and four Paracetamol's I gave up. The problem kind of resolved itself but when I have finished watching the series I am enjoying at the moment I will stop my Direct Debit and wait for them to contact me.

My sons and I usually have an annual night out and this year we are going to Glasgow, Graham will be going to see Celtic on the Sunday so Stewart and I will turn up for the Saturday night, perhaps my brother and a couple of others will turn up, who knows. I saw a price for a hotel at £79, so phoned them up, imagine my surprise when I found myself talking to a woman in Manila with no hint of a Glaswegian accent. Not only that the price jumped to £140 with taxes etc., what taxes, Filipino taxes perhaps. It took me another 45 minutes to track down a phone number to talk directly to Wullie in Glasgow and I got it for £95, a kind of result.

I am not going to go into the mess with Extinction Rebellion only to say that if you glue yourself to a train or airplane having your wits about you then said train or airplane should take off and hell mend you.

The Met called in reinforcements but probably none were forthcoming from Thames Valley Police as they had to hunt down the dangerous gang who were involved in putting stickers around Oxford saying that a woman is an adult female and that women do not have a penis. The chief officer involved (a woman natch) was concerned about the possible diabolical message behind these stickers not that they were in fact, eh fact. They may also not have had recruits from Cheshire Police as they were making a video marking International Pronouns Day, crimes involving the misuse of he/she/they/ze et al. which are perhaps overtaking knife crime, oh and the Deputy Chief Constable is another woman, no surprise there then.

Lastly I leave you with this bonzer from a few months ago which I have been saving up, Gwent peelers got upset because people made fun of their mugshot, why should Britain tremble.

Oh, I almost forgot, now we are even afraid to go shopping.

View From The Window

My sons have given me some excellent presents recently, I got Tankfest last year which was incredible and a great weekend and then I got a ticket for a flight in a Tiger Moth at Imperial War Museum Duxford, I had obviously been waxing lyrical about my admiration for WWI pilots. We had organised another family gathering so I ordered my flight up for the Sunday on the way home. The big day came and my granddaughter told everyone that Papa looked nervous and she was afraid for him which did nothing for the butterflies in my stomach as I pooh poohed such questions as "do you get a parachute" "what if it crashes" etc. I wondered if just in case I should tell the Memsahib I love her before I took to the skies.

The big event was delayed by half an hour as a Spitfire and Messerschmitt buzzed the field followed by a Mustang and another Spitfire, I took it in my stride. Eventually I went for my briefing and got kitted out with my leather jacket (Tom Cruise eat your heart out), helmet and goggles, I was then instructed how to enter the airplane and to enjoy the trip. The cockpit was not large but once in there was quite a bit of room for my legs, not enough to stop the joystick hitting me in the thighs as my pilot, Bob, went through his checks, and then we were off, hurtling down, OK, speeding down the grass field. It was great, once up Bob explained everything very well, there are only about five dials and a joystick, he put the nose down and up a few times and then said I could do it, only use your thumb and two fingers she is very responsive, I think I did it fine although I am not sure it moved much, I could only think of me falling out of the sky and Bob shouting to stop. He then told me to turn, no that was too much, my son paid for the flight Bob, you fly. We then did a couple of tight turns to left and right, wow. I did take a few moments to try and look around for the Hun in the Sun, you really do not get to see much to the back, it was a real struggle to turn my head, the fuselage also reduced my forward visibility which I was surprised at and to get a clear look ahead you had to either dip the nose or look out the side, and if you did the latter the wind caught you. We landed successfully obviously and I had a new admiration for those blokes who flew machines like this in combat, a great experience.

My 'kite' waiting patiently.

Tartan Baron.

Now for the other stuff, why is our customer service so bad, we got lunch at Duxford and the canteen for that's what it was, restaurant was too posh a word, was not built on the premise that a lot of people would want to visit and perhaps eat there. I will digress here for a mo, warm, lovely day, hundreds of visitors and one ice cream van with one teenager in it! It took us a while to find a table, which as usual was dirty and had scraps on it, others still had the remains of meals on them. We found four seats and needed one more, however the people next to these seats had obviously bought a family ticket as it included Grandma, Grandad, boy and bag. I kept looking while Grandma did her best to ignore me clocking the seat with the bag, just as I was about to tell her to move it my son found another dirty table with no bags on it. The 'food' turned up, a lukewarm plate of pork hot pot for me with two buns akin to my ECW cannonball door stop and three fish and chips with Tartare Sauce literally ladled over the meals and some kind of potato mush and peas for the wee yin. Mrs A., fresh from a refund on her horrendous hotel breakfast went in to action and yes, another refund, leaving in her wake a surprised and chastened waitress whom she had passed talking about her attitude while on the way to attack the manager.

Bag on his way home without Grandma.

 Did I mention the expensive, quaint, country hotel was dirty, I wouldn't floor my shed with the reception area carpets, the actual room was so tired I heard it groan when we opened the door, thankfully it was clean otherwise we would have been gone.

We have brought our granddaughter back here for a week, so a stop on the motorway was required on the way home, the place was like a refugee camp. Kids have to have a meal in a bag with a toy in it, so we were forced to Burger King, one guy on putting meals together, one guy on the till and tens of customers waiting and baying for food, no one on table duty so I actually had to go and buy wet wipes so we could feel comfortable at the table.

 Can I also say that I am not letting off the great British public here either, it seems that the word Public translates thus; you can trash, litter, break and pee over anything which is not yours and someone else can clean it up.

Now, you are a Woke, global company and you want to show your climate change credentials and decide to discuss the 'emergency'. Do you invite eminent scientists from both sides of the spectrum to discuss sensibly whether or not we have an emergency or do you instead give Harry, Meghan, Katy Perry, Oprah Winfrey and such a platform to tell the plebs where they are going wrong and the sooner we all live in caves the better. Option 2 obviously.

Bare feet, he must know what he is talking about.

The bum is Katy Perry that well known scientist, what a shower, maybe that speed boat runs on grass.

View From The Window

Its been one of those weeks where I thought things could not get any worse but every sunrise brings a new low, the politicians who I already have nothing but contempt for continue their march of hubris to bring the country to its knees.

They have listened to the Swampies, the schoolchildren, the purple rinse brigade and that plain, annoying looking girl from Sweden and made zero carbon emissions by 2050 a law. So practice your farming techniques (with due diligence to the wild life), your fire making (no coal or maybe even wood), hunting skills (checking in with PETA) and find the nearest cave and stake your claim because the new Stone Age is upon us. I cannot get over the supreme arrogance of human beings who think they can somehow change the planet, sure, keep stuff clean but the world changes, has been doing so for millions of years, why is it only the nutters are heard? And of course the lunatics think that 'our example' will have the Chinese, Yanks et al also giving up their modern way of life to march alongside us. No, they will laugh as we destroy ourselves.

Let me get this right Greta, you are twelve.................

 Our motorways are a disgrace for a modern country and journeys are almost as long I suspect as they were when people hung on the side of a coach, but no money to sort things out, however it is being poured into a black hole in order to shave ten minutes off the train journey from Manchester to London. And look around, which train company actually manages to run things efficiently, I predict that the ten minutes will come off the delay and not the journey time.

Oh and the politicos are not finished yet, from August able people with mental health issues i.e. anxiety, low self esteem etc. are to be provided with disabled parking badges, I have every sympathy with these people but they can still walk. So we could have real disabled people fighting for parking spots.

If it was ever in doubt that politicians have more interest in their parties than the country that has been dispelled with the in fighting of the two 'leading' parties and the Walter Mitty thinking of the third, how does 12 out of 650 entitle you to be the third party?

Top police woman (of course) Cressida Dick got very close to saying our Police are useless last week, this is another outfit I have lost my respect for, they find it easier to chase dead guys or people who usually turn out to be innocent for 'crimes' committed when the old King was on the throne, or pop round and inform you that your recent post/tweet might have upset someone living in their own safe space bubble. This week four of them and two vans turned up to arrest a woman who asked her useless husband to do his bit and clean his mess up. Seemingly a law was put on the books in 2015 that coercive behaviour is now a crime, like telling your husband to do the housework when he has his body to worship. I can expect a full SWAT team to pick up her indoors.

With those muscles he could surely lift a dustpan, oh and he is not Scottish, just a git in a kilt.

 Did you see the picture of the preening heads of state at the G20? Why was Brazil, Saudi Arabia and Argentina in the front row and Daisy May in the second, and why were the two unelected jokes, Tusk and Drunker there, and what about Macron, a leader whose people hate him and take to the streets every weekend to say so (no you won't find it on the BBC).

When I had to go and see the consultant with my problems down below earlier in the year I swiftly got an email from her asking me to rate my experience, why? Whenever I buy something online now I invariably get a follow up with a satisfaction survey, I bought two little pots of paint, I sent money I got them, big deal, I don't need to take time out to say how wonderful it all was, I buy all the time, get over it. It all started of course with that 0800- hows my driving nonsense, remember that, did you ever phone in? Anyway it is more direct now and you find yourself frantically locking the doors and windows as someone with a hunting knife or wheel brace let's you know they are not happy with your motoring skills. Anyway the Post Office has joined the club and would love your feedback and opinion on our services is now printed on all receipts, 0800-who cares, I don't.

I almost forgot, one more thing where we have lost the plot, the GP's have decided not to charge anyone coming from abroad for medical treatment, no matter that the NHS is another black hole for money which no amount seems to fill or improve. This lunacy means the good doctors can dodge claims of being racist, no I don't get it either. Members of my family have now all been taken off a drug which works and been given a cheap one, does it work, we will see, you can get a hip replacement quicker if you are a dog or a cat. The figures involved teeter between £200 million and £2 billion, which is it, perhaps NHS accountants should be the first out the door. In America years ago my wife could not leave the doctors surgery until I had paid the bill, in the UAE the first thing that greets you as you walk in to a hospital is the reception area where you have to show your credit card or insurance details or you don't go any further. Racist, no, commonsense yes.

 

I have just poked my nose outside to drink in some UV's for a few minutes before opening up, sailing past me was a local, on a bike, texting. This of course brought back to mind the idiot who, walking into the road on her phone, got hit by a cyclist then successfully sued the cyclist, you couldn't make it up. Two days ago another local on a horse passed the PO texting!

View From The Window

Young, newly married lady came in with her husbands Mothers Day card, worried that it might be too late, I asked if no one had told her that that was part of her duties, to buy and make sure his lordships birthdays, anniversaries etc. are not late, did she not have the handbook, I would photocopy the wife's and hand it in.

I digress, do airline staff have no idea of their own procedures, why do they let people onboard carrying everything but the kitchen sink as hand luggage, carrying anything on sir, yes, a book. I settled in to my expensive airplane seat on the upperdeck of the A380 heading for Vietnam and opened up said book having refused the champagne for apple juice, grrr, and was distracted by ZZZZ, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, ZZZZZZ, what the. Just in front of me an old guy was amazed that his seat could move and was putting it through its paces, ZZZZ, ZZZZ, ZZZZZ. Worse was to come, as the stewardess handed out hot towels to refresh us before we took off, matey took off his shoes, socks and washed his feet! The look on the girls face was priceless. Wait, don't panic, the gent in question was French.

What is it now, once in the air the guy directly opposite found something amusing on the television, he settled down to watch what I suspect was several seasons of some American adult cartoon, Modern Family Burger Guy or some such, I had to put my own earphones on to drown out his guffaws.

Then of course no sooner has the plane touched terra firma than the seat belts come off, a chorus of click, click, click while there is still at least fifteen minutes or more until the doors open or the sign tells you you can take them off, and along with this the mobile phones, just landed thought I would let you know you have another hour or so to wait before I get out of the airport. This usually happens just after the announcement telling people not to switch on their phones. The gangway is now thronged with people and cases and you cannot even see the terminal.

Why do people wear hats and sunglasses indoors, why do you need a hat inside, whether it be a bus, cinema, restaurant or anywhere which has a roof. Not only that, why wear it with the front at the back? It used to be good manners to take your hat off when entering a building, because you didn't need it and it would annoy the old Scotsman in the corner.

And don't get me started on mobile phones, herds of people lost in their own little worlds, taking selfies, pouting and ignoring completely the magnificent views and the world around them unless it is photogenic and fit for Instagram. One woman at Nha Trang airport was so engrossed that I watched her young daughter wander all over the area, I could imagine her showing the police her phone and saying "this was my daughter just before she disappeared."

As I sat waiting for the mother to wake up and look around my sensitive ears heard squelch, squelch, what was that, some kid barely walking had shoes which gave off a squelch with every step, not just bad shoes, this was a deliberate, loud squelch, why? This was then joined by a high screech, what now, it took me some time but I tracked it down to a litter bin that needed oiled. I am a martyr to my hearing. But worse was to come, the plane took off but I still heard ding, ding, ding, I checked the seat belt sign, nope, I put my book down and with further investigation found the guy in front playing some kind of game on his tablet, hence the ding, ding, almost an hour I had to grit my teeth and endure this, I only wished I knew the Chinese for "Turn the bloody sound down mate" but the term eluded me.

With the holiday over and while sitting in the lounge waiting for my flight back to the UK fate intervened again, bells this time, bells! Gliding past me was a throwback from a Pirates of the Caribbean movie complete with bandana, flouncy shirt, beard and bells on his belt!

I had an attack of nostalgia yesterday due to someone clocking the RN badge on my jumper and enquiring on my membership. I googled the navy to see where Radio Operators now stood in the fleet, they are now communication and information specialists and no longer have their own unique branch being lumped in with 'engineering'. I also could not help looking at the Equality, Diversity and Inclusion statement and sure enough I found myself reaching for a bucket. For some reason I also found the term Naval Service rather than Royal Navy got my hackles up. Sad days for we old timers.

Independence day has been and gone and didn't happen, the country now seems to not have a government, MP's are debating motions which are non binding and mean nothing but cannot themselves now seem to bring sense to what is happening or not happening over Brexit. I also find it completely baffling that a bunch of Conservative nobodies are throwing their hat into the ring for the Leaders position when there are maybe only two of them who might have a smidgen of respect left and I doubt anyone in the country cares. Democracy, you can keep it if you ever manage to actually get it, for decades I have went to the voting booth never to get what I voted for, apart from once and it turns out I won't even get that.

View From The Window

 It is a beautiful day here, the sun is shining and although cool it looks like warming up, very different from this time last year or any other year. Are we going to get a good year like last year, has global warming at last caught up with us after decades of warnings or is it simply something to cheer us up before we get back to more rain, rain, rain. Fingers crossed. Weather should not be a problem for me from next Friday as I am off to Vietnam, even the rain if any should be warm.

I have been having a pretty terrible time since just before Christmas when I got a urinary infection, due to no one believing me that the infection had not gone I had two periods where it recovered its strength and came back to haunt me. The main reason this happened of course is that the NHS is reluctant to prescribe you more antibiotics than they need to, not how many you need. You can get an operation or several to change your sex, you can get dancing lessons and slimming courses free gratis, you can even get an £8,000 bionic penis if your performance is not up to scratch, but you can't get another weeks antibiotics to cure you. I have changed my pharmacy because despite having around ten people behind the desk it takes them four days to get my prescriptions ready and if they are ready they are usually wrong. I also went to the Hospital last Thursday for treatment and could not get it because one of the consultants decided not to turn up. I go again this Wednesday, let's see if I have more success this time.

I cannot be racist because I don't like a lot more white people than I do coloured people, in fact I can count on one hand how many non whites I have taken a dislike to. Why do I mention this, because as of today I refuse to listen or speak to anyone on the phone with an accent from the subcontinent. I, like most people get the usual scammer once a week at least, yesterday I had four, this morning I had two, one, without blinking introducing himself as Johnny O'Connor, it is never Mohammed, Arnav, Eshan or whatever, it is Malcolm, or Eugene or Felicity! I did have to give one caller 10/10 for audacity, the Tax Regulator seemingly, they were going to bring a £3,000 cheque to me but first I had to pay £150 tax, this was to be in the form of three iTunes cards at £50 each, once they had the numbers they would have the cheque to me in half an hour. How does anyone fall for this, also have the Nigerians sold out?

Should the ISIS woman and her kid get back in to the UK, NO.Where were all the bleeding heart celebrities, politicians and do gooders when the poor Pakistani woman under death threat wanted to come here, nowhere to be seen or heard, shameful.

Just when you thought politicians couldn't get any worse we have a bunch stamping their feet and withdrawing from their parties in righteous indignation, not indignant enough to offer up by-elections to see if their constituents agree with them mind. What a shambles, no matter what side of the debate you are on the country seems to be in the hands of 650 selfish, jobsworth incompetents. Pitt, Gladstone, Disraeli and Churchill amongst others must be turning in their graves. God help us.

View From The Window

A couple of things have raised me from my sick bed.

In 1739 the dodgy Spaniards allegedly cut off the ear of a British sailing captain and once it became common knowledge back in Blighty we declared war, which meshed with other things and went on until 1748. In 2018 on the cusp of another year some bedraggled chancers in old speed boats defy our borders and our response is to declare war, oh silly me, a "Major Incident," that'll sort it out.

And of course, was there a drone, wasn't there a drone, might, maybe and other useless words, no war again, not even a severe warning should the culprits be found, and despite the havoc I think the playing of the Eco card would almost immediately warrant a severe telling off and a get out of jail free card. Missed your family Christmas in Aus, tough, the planet will last another two days. If a toy drone can bring us to a standstill we really should stop poking the Russians with sticks.

While I am on it, why would you get recognition for services to film? What's so important to our daily lives about film, or drama, or fashion that people so far up their own backsides should get recognition for it? It's time the Honours system and the TV Licence fee were in the Victoria and Albert.

My old drinking buddy Mark died this morning, 87, he hasn't been able to continue with our two hourly Wednesday drinking sessions for some time, he would have half a pint of lager and me two or three zero beers, not the best customers of the George Washington but always made welcome. Mark I believe was an Oxford graduate, a self made business man and half way through his life he did a 180 degree turn and became a solicitor eventually running his own firm. We became friends as he collected his daily newspaper in the morning when most were abed and we vented our spleen over the headlines for a good fifteen minutes. Later I found him walking through the village taking exercise and invited him in for drink at the George Washington, this turned into a regular weekly meet up which was good for us both, and would have been for the country if we had had any power. Sadly Mark then began to suffer from dementia and his joints failed so he could no longer make our rendezvous. I will miss the old sod and will drink a large whiskey to his memory this evening, it's the least I can do.

View From The Window

Good morning, cold, damp, grey, but you will perhaps notice a new spring in my attitude, a thirst for life which may have been missing recently, a joie de vivre, that's because I now identify as 21 again. Following on from the nut, oh dear, the mature gentleman in the Netherlands who is going through the courts to grant him licence to be 49 again rather than the 69 he is, purely because he feels discriminated against on dating sites and by mortgage lenders due to his real age amongst other things, people helping him off buses for instance, and anyway, he feels 49 not 69. It's the last days of Rome, fiddle away.

The Keystone Cops, sorry, United Utilities turned up during the week to fix the manhole Laurel and Hardy destroyed trying to fix a drain problem, you know, when they parked over the real manhole and couldn't find it. We thought they were here to fix the original problem, but no, that particular work number has been erased and is no doubt winging its way to a galaxy, far, far away. It took another 24 hours for someone to come and be told 'Houston we have a problem' re the drains under the road. A surveyor turned up and I wandered to the pavement where he was shaking his head, we'll never get to dig a hole there, we would have to close the road, thankfully not my problem says I, although on second thoughts it could be if they don't fix it.

My son popped into a pub in Darlington several weeks ago after watching a Celtic game in another pub, on the way back from the bar a Rangers fan shook hands with him and then promptly threw a dart into his leg. Naturally he informed the boys in blue, the Polis, my advice was of course not to bother, it was not a hate crime, it wasn't 50 years ago, he wasn't a Moslem and no children were involved, but he bravely went ahead believing of course that right is right and wrong would be punished.

Thin edge of thin blue line.

 The first warning bells came when the Cops asked did he really want them to catch the guy and if they did would a severe talking to do rather than an arrest, duh. It then took weeks before they (supposedly) went to the pub, several yards from the police station as it happens, only to find out that the CCTV did not cover the area where the perpetrator threw the dart. The Landlord has been warned several times about this but has done nothing, but it keeps the inspector in a job, silver lining eh?

And here is the icing on the cake which proves my point about Rome burning, my son pointed out that the perp would be on one of the cameras at some point and he would be able to identify him. Are you sitting comfortably, due to Data Protection laws my son has to get permission to see the CCTV footage to finger a guy who threw a dart into his leg!

Isn't it about time Dentists spoke English, sitting in the chair the other day all I could make out was - periradicular 2, aculir, alveeolar 5, Nottingham Forest 3, apexification, upper occlusil 7 etc. which probably all meant that's another fifty quid in the hipper. You even get a little report card for your fifty which goes straight in the bin, save the planet anyone?
 

Card or cash?

My doctor is on the same planet, you tell him what ails you, he offers you three choices and asks, which do you want, I didn't do seven years at Uni doc, which do you want me to take?

When is a cause celebre not a cause celebre, when it is a Christian woman who desperately needs to flee her own country on pain of death seemingly, her crime was to offer some other non christian women a drink of water. I haven't noticed much about her plight on news programmes, newspapers or seen the usual 'I'm better than you' mob on the streets howling she be given asylum. Our government, and I use the term loosely, has decided saving the woman and giving her shelter would upset 'community' relations in this haven of tolerance. I suspect there is only a very small but vocal community which would not support doing the right thing.

I see the Eskimo's are moaning about the upsurge in Polar Bear numbers this year, someone is telling porkies.

View From The Window

A bit sooner than I thought but it has been an especially fraught few weeks.

We had Monsoon rain recently, something I have noticed is happening quite regularly now, the upshot was that when I got up in the morning there was a film of greyish white filth all over the front drain heading towards the main road. I went to the outhouse at the back to get a spade/trowel and saw the same muck around the back drain, it was toilet paper, ugh! The bottom line was that the pipe leading to the main drain (under the main road) had cracked and caused a blockage which had come back up my drains, it had also got into the little storeroom at the back and soaked about a dozen of the new carpet tiles, thankfully only muddy water and not sewage, but bad enough, oh and not my sewage not that that makes things any better.

After a frantic morning cleaning up and phone calls we got someone out from United Utilities, not in the top 100 companies you want to deal with. He identified the cracked pipe but as it was in the road he couldn't do anything so another crack team would turn up in the next ten minutes or three days, guess what I put my money on. I was wrong and they turned up the next afternoon, a dim, uninterested young man who I thought was looking for an excuse to leave. They walked back and forth, hummed and hawed, tried to open a manhole but couldn't then decided to flush using my front drain, as they moved the truck to get closer to the awkward drain they uncovered, a manhole! Problem solved, flushed and now a second wave of uninterested United Utilities men will be here within 28 days to repair the cracked pipe, yes my money is on 28.

We have been getting on almost first term names with Debenham call centre people. They phoned the missus to tell her she hasn't paid her bill, asked for her details and then said she was not who she said she was so they couldn't take the payment, despite the fact she answered the number given to them. She explained that they had the wrong date for her day of birth, which had been taken down correctly at the original store but had been inputted wrong. They said she had to phone them, no, she wasn't going to do that it was their problem. This carried on for over a week and each time they would not listen nor let her pay the bill because they were not talking to 'her' because she gave the wrong birth date. It took one person with commonsense to eventually sort out the mess by changing the date to the right one, why should Britain tremble.

But then you have a right to tremble, the Army has now reduced its physical fitness test to be more gender neutral, which of course means more women can now pass as combat ready as well as men of a certain type or maybe even men who are women or the other way around. The upshot of course is that our troops will not be as tough as anyone who actually wanted to invade and take charge of the whole mess. Honestly why would anyone want to invade us, what would they be getting?

It's the little things, I got up on the wrong side of the bed the other day, things just annoyed me, I went off to Carnforth for some shopping, I decided to cheer myself up and went to Gregg's and got the missus a caramel/chocolate doughnut, I saw a chocolate eclair and thought, that will hit the spot, off I toddled with my little box to enjoy with afternoon coffee. At half two I took the coffee's into the Post Office (not busy), the missus took our her luscious doughnut and passed me my cream doughnut......what, where's the eclair, the anorexic, tattooed, steel pierced assistant had put the wrong thing in the box, aaaaagh!

I was off shopping early again this morning, as I came back through the village a Tesco van passed me and I noticed the driver was not looking in my direction, had one hand on the wheel and the other clasping his phone to his good ear. Small children were on the way to school, the main street was chock a block with parked cars and the road busy. Not this time thought I, I got the number and phoned Tesco, I got their national call centre, not my local Tesco, I was informed that my call was important and that it was being recorded (does anyone ever sit and listen to these), I also had a choice of six numbers none of which was pertinent, I chose the catchall one at the end. I went through the same routine of how important my call was (not my time obviously as I had now wasted about ten minutes) and how wonderful Tesco was and did I want to know about some football thing in 2019, I chose the last number again. I got a human this time, who tutted when I complained about the driver then said he would put me through to the complaints department, I found myself back at square one with six choices, nope, I was not going to be a good citizen because I didn't have the willpower or the time.

Now, armed with a pack of Border Biscuits Chocolate Gingers I am off for a morning coffee in the again unbusy PO.

View From The Window

It's been a wee while and Life is part of the title here, there will no doubt be more wargaming coming along soon.

I am suffering particularly this morning, quick footsteps, a look up and I quickly duck back behind the screen and roll my eyes. This has to go to 'Bonnie Scotland,' which usually means it belongs to me for some reason and I have to expand with pride, then comes 'cheapest' and no the guy is not Scottish. I work my magic and then as I am putting the label on I get 'that's tracked and insured yeah?' No it is not, you didn't ask for that. His face says never mind it is expensive and handmade but I am too cheap to pay decent postage, and it won't get lost will it? I look at him blankly and smile.

Previous I had my dumb blonde(ish) in.
B: I need 50 euros.
G: I can't do that, I only have twenties.
B: I have sixty pounds.
(long wait)
B: Just give me fifty then.
G: I can't do that, I only have euros in twenties, I can give you sixty?
B: Then I'll have change, I don't want change.
G: I can't give you change, nowhere gives change for foreign currency.
She hands over sixty pounds, I give her sixty euros and change.
B: Is this change real money?
G: Yes, it's British.
B: I've got sixty euros now and only wanted fifty, I'll have to send sixty.
G: Blank look.
B: Is that tracked?
G: They have to sign for it but I cannot recommend sending cash.
B: It'll be all right, won't it?
G. I can't say.
B: Who would have thought Royal Mail didn't have somewhere in Italy?
G: AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Then I get 'Australia', fill in customs form please, what for, it's only photographs, what do they think it is (photographs probably when they read the customs form). I haven't got my specs, give it here, sign there, then he signs somewhere else, no there, where I am pointing. Don't I get proof of posting, you didn't ask for that, root about in the sack, retrieve photographs and give him proof of posting. my parting shot is "Won't do you any good, Aussies will say they didn't get it and Royal Mail will say they did" smiles inwardly as customer retreats shaking head.

I almost forgot, bloke comes in, I can see he has DVLA paperwork, I jump the gun and tell him we don't do cars here mate, he comes back with "it's not a car, it's a JCB!"

My missus is working at a real Post Office at the moment, helping out some people who wanted to go on holiday but couldn't get anyone to look after their office, not me, I did warn her, Warton Post Office is not work, despite having four bags of mail to go today, normally two, she fills around 20 every day. Doesn't get a break from 0830 - 1745 hrs, I should be dozing off in another hour, desperately trying to stay awake dreading the door bell going.

 Trouble with tech again, the other night I wanted to relax, I had just received my copies of Life's Too Short an hilarious comedy series starring Warwick Davis. I got my cold beer and accompanying crunchies, I always like something savoury when drinking a cold one, but it's hard nowadays as they take all the sugar and salt out of things, cut it down or use substitutes, I now have to put salt on my salted peanuts, leave them alone, that's why I like them! Anyway, I popped the DVD in and settled back, wouldn't work, no autoplay, they always autoplay, in out, in out, nope, I downloaded a DVD programme, thirty minutes lost. Put the DVD in again, reached for my beer, 'DO NOT RECOGNISE DVD', played the off on, in out game again, no use. Downloaded another programme, almost an hour gone now, blood pressure rising, missus shouting calm down. In goes the DVD, up it comes, thank god, on with the earphones, no sound, screams. Wait, headphones not plugged in, funny bone gives up, crunchies put away, beer back in fridge, off to bed.

View From The Window

We have at last had a couple of lovely days, still a bit cool but it has been a long winter, I hope we don't get hit with all this again next year as round about this time I am off to Vietnam. I really must make an effort this year to get out, even if it is only into the garden with a coffee and a book of a morning or a cool drink and the same book in the afternoon. You will notice that none of this involves working in the garden although with the onset of the good weather out will come the power washer to get the paths etc. spruced up, my job sadly, although I have yet to read in the small print where that is specified, but the missus assures me it is in there. Almost a crime special this week.

I wanted some rice the other night and the rice jar was empty, so I opened a new packet, used some and poured it in. I was accosted the next day for not using the proper jar, but they are all the same says I and two were empty, yes but you filled up the wrong one! I also made things worse by not putting the long grain rice jar next to the basmati rice jar when I had filled up the wrong jar.

I got a punter in the other day, he comes in now and again, waxes lyrical about being in show business and hints at big names which he may or may not be managing, met or hangs out with, he then proceeds out to his banged up, twenty year old car and drives away. Anyway the subject of Russia comes up and he explains to me that it is all a plot by the Americans to embarrass them because they, the Americans, are making a fortune from shale gas and want to sell it to Europe rather than Europe buy Russian gas. While trying hard to take this in he then assured me that everyone in charge in most countries are, wait for it, Zionists, and then having obviously spotted "MUG" on my forehead proceeded to enlighten me about the secret societies running the planet. I did respectfully tell him that was a bit far fetched but he assured and warned me in no uncertain terms as he headed, at last, for his old banger as my fingers hovered near the security buttons, off no doubt to meet up with Bruce Springsteen. I had the same thing years ago during the Jimmy Saville furore, as well as the Zionists the Devil Worshippers were involved in that one I was told, say no more.

I watched the news as they reported the death of a burglar when the victim, an old guy of 78, fought back and gave him a mortal wound. Incredibly one of the thief's relatives had turned up and laid a bunch of flowers while praising him for being a nice bloke, and that he didn't deserve this end and something had obviously gone wrong. Well, yes, the owner of the home he broke into and threatened fought back instead of meekly staying in the corner while some low life 'career' criminal and his mate ransacked his house, that's what went wrong love. It transpires the Police were already looking for this guy in connection with other robberies, not very efficiently it would seem. However if you disagree with one of our many victim groups they will be on your doorstep before you can say "Ello, ello, ello, what have we ere then?"

While we are on the subject of crime our newly refurbished Coop supermarket in Carnforth, which opened its doors only a week or so ago, now has a lovely big hole in the wall where the ATM used to be and several feet around it. A few lads short of a bob or two for the weekend, stole a JCB, drove it at the ATM and made off into the wild blue yonder. No one heard a thing presumably, I wouldn't put money on them being caught, or am I being too cynical?

View From The Window

Well, it's been a wee while and it is cold outside. Washington House has sold, yes, over two years I think and it has gone, I had a look inside about a month or so ago when I fixed a sticking door for the brother of the owner, an old gent, ex doctor, so I am marginally handier than he is. It is a quirky house having been built in the early 17thC but needs a lot of work to bring it up to a modern standard, the new owner is said to be downsizing, which seems odd when you buy a Grade II listed building to do so.

I have had several run ins with the great British public, I went to the O2 last month courtesy of my son who got weekend tickets to Country2Country and offered the missus and I the Saturday night show, we babysat, oops, child minded (I stand corrected by my eldest granddaughter) on the other two nights. We arrived at the venue and saw a queue, so we joined it, thinking we had better before it got too long, it transpired it was a queue for spending money at stalls selling all kinds of western wear and not for the entrance to the show! We shook our heads and headed for the real entrance, we had seats way up in the Gods but still with a decent view of the stage, as we waited the seats to our immediate front filled up, the four owners slurping pints and checking their phones, I sensed this was not going to go well. Sure enough, after yet more pints they decided to stand up and dance on the spot while serenading all around with their version of the song the artist was singing down below. I knew talking to them would get me nowhere so I told the missus I would be back, I made my way to an entrance and told the young customer service lad I was not pleased at paying for my seat and simply looking at the back of a drunken prat. He came back and told me people were allowed to dance in their seats, but I said these four are the only ones doing it all the time, I had checked the whole O2 from my seat. I could go to Customer Services, OK, where? I approached two young ladies with the intention of erupting, I had hardly got the first words out when one smiled and asked if I wanted moved, yes please, the girls conferred and said I could have seats in the Amazon Lounge. I went back, waved the missus to follow me and ended up sixty yards from the stage on the lower level, a private bar to my rear and no one sitting even close, oh there was one woman playing Candy Crush on her phone nearby, I could live with that.


Last Friday we popped in to Lancaster to pick up a digibox thing from Currys/PC World, it was evening and as I entered the car park from the ramp it was empty, so I decided to drive straight forward and park on one of the bays near the shop. A woman was walking to the side of the car so I slowed down to let her pass, she slowed down as well, then as I sat for another minute or so, she moved in front of the car and pointed around her, so what, thought I. Park somewhere else the place is empty she shouts, I point to where I am going and eventually she moves off, have you ever seen the Die Hard movie where Bruce Willis exits the moving car firing two guns, well for Bruce Willis read Mrs Anderson. No passers-by were harmed during this altercation, but she was pushing it when she said I tried to run her over and then took a picture of my car, it took me ten minutes or so to calm the wife down, the woman slunk away not knowing how lucky she was. My missus has decided to have zero tolerance for people who annoy her from now on, 2018 could be a long year for me.

Seriously though, how can people think it is alright to selfishly ruin another persons evening by standing in front of them during a show, or using a phone during a movie, or parking across three bays while the missus pops into Tesco when the bloody bays are empty anyway (like yesterday afternoon).

Now and then though you get to strike back, I threw a man out of the shop years ago before he got two words out of his mouth because I knew he was in to complain about the workmen laying sets on my drive, we had history and for the record he has alienated all his neighbours over the years. His wife has now joined him in exile.

Why should Britain tremble, young lad comes up to the counter and says can he collect the parcel for his dad, well spoken, dressed well, about fourteen. Just fill in the bottom of the card says I, I don't have a signature says he, looking a bit askance I said you know it is your name? Yes, but I don't get a signature until the last year at school, what will I put, write your name, so he did, Josh!

The PO has done it again, they have issued new forms for something or other which we now have to scan, but if you have had the new equipment upgrade the scanner will not read the barcode so you have to type it in, you know it makes sense.

Did you see the one about the stolen Donkey's recovered in Wales where a newspaper reporting the theft blacked out their eyes for privacy, god help us.